Tag Archives: divorce
The phrase in the image can be reversed too:
First BELIEVE you CAN, then DECIDE you WILL.
Either way your Beliefs and your Decisions will determine what kind of future you’ll have.
A long time ago my 1st wife left me, I remember being in that place of confusion and anger, I remember wanting to blame my ex for everything, I remember feeling betrayed… but then I realised what I wanted more than anything – and everything changed.
I can’t tell you it was an epiphany, or a bolt of lightning in my mind – but at some point I decided my daughter was the most important thing to me and I needed to find a way to build the strongest relationship I could with her – despite the situation.
The solution was as simple as A, B, C – but that didn’t mean it was going to be easy. Some people will tell you what you want most in life is hard because you have to prove to yourself how much you really want it. I’m not sure I believe that.
Once I started down the A, B, C path everything actually got easier in some respects – it still took a lot of self reflection and soul searching for me to come to terms with it all, BUT, dealing with my ex and getting access to my daughter definitely became easier.
There is a way through. You can have a brighter future. I’m living proof of it.
If you are in this situation or know of a Dad who is – take a look at my dedicated Facebook Group: Divorced Dads Rise Up and Be Proud here
(For any guys going through divorce or know someone going through it.)
So, your other half is leaving you or has left you.
You feel like shit.
Yep, you’re going to feel that way for a while, no magic pill, no shortcuts, just pain, misery, anger, resentment, heartache, confusion, oh – and some more pain etc. etc.
At some point, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years – you’re going to say something like: “I’ve had enough of this.” And that is the first step.
You’re on your way. You’ve made a shift. Things are going to change.
At that point, to overuse an old cliché – it’s the first day of the rest of your life.
Phew! Glad that’s over, plain sailing from here on – er…nope.
Now the actual hard work begins.
The hard work of acceptance – accepting the situation for what it is.
The hard work of believing – believing you do still have a compelling future ahead of you if you can do what’s necessary to enable it.
The hard work of choosing – choosing to BE the Man, BE the Dad and BE the Role Model your kids need You to BE.
And the hard work of deciding – deciding to do what’s necessary to make that happen including compromising, forgiving, understanding, committing, listening, bending over backwards etc. etc.
If that sounds like a tall order right now head over to the Facebook page I’m putting together specifically to help you with that… https://bit.ly/2X3o3BI
(If the link doesn’t work go to FB and search ‘Divorced Dads Rise Up and Be Proud’)
It’s not a place to bitch and moan – there’s plenty of other groups for that, but that kind of talk will just keep you where you are. This group is all about positive empowerment – helping Dads find ways to stay connected to their kids by taking back their true personal power.
This process, as painful as it is, doesn’t have to make you hardened to life or to women – you can use it to make you stronger. Remember steel is forged in a furnace, but it can bend and withstand immense pressure without breaking.
Join us and discover who you really are, how powerful this experience is going to make you AND find a way to BEhave in a way that will make your kids Proud to call you their Dad.
Come and join us now… Click https://bit.ly/2X3o3BI (‘Divorced Dads Rise Up and Be Proud’)
(And if you’re wondering why this is aimed at Dads and not Mums it’s simply because I’m speaking from experience as a Dad that was divorced.)
Take the opportunity today to thank everybody from your past because of where you are today and where you will be tomorrow.
You do realise that everything that has ever happened to you, good or bad, has brought you to where you are today.
You may be in a great place right now, so think if any tiny little thing in your past were different it would have changed your trajectory and you may well be in a very different place right now rather than where you are.
All those not so good places were necessary in order for you to be here.
If you’re not in such a great place just realise that you are in one of those not so good places that will lead you to the great place later. So appreciate it for what it is.
Why only appreciate it later? Thank everything and everybody from your past for helping to get you here. Thank ‘here’ for being part of the journey that’s going to get you ‘there’ in the future.
And always remember… in the depths of winter the blossom is waiting to bloom.
Who will you thank, and for what?
PS: This is p.358 of my book ‘How To Change Your Life One Day At A Time‘.
You know what I mean right? Sure you do. I could sit here and write a page of words that show you what they might be but I’d only be scratching the surface wouldn’t I?
We’ve all got stuff going on that we say is this or that. But we know it’s not. I mean it could look that way to the untrained eye, to the casual observer, but we know it’s just a façade for what’s really going on.
Take a good look at it today, be as honest with yourself as you can. Allow the discomfort or maybe even pain of looking at it to come through. Welcome it. Once we open the cupboard door and shine a light in there we can see there was nothing to be afraid of.
I know this’ll be hard for a lot of people – me included, so lets all dig deep and give it a try.
What will you take a look at today?
Enjoy (if you can)
A while back when I was getting ready to launch my book ‘How To Change Your Life One Day At A Time‘ I decided to create a street video to help promote it.
I had only one question that I wanted to ask of many complete strangers: WHAT ONE THING YOU WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF?
I wanted to document how different people would answer the same question, based on their own lives and circumstances. What I found was in many, many cases their answer led me to ask another question, then another, then a final question. (A process I now call ‘Crossing The River‘).
It was in these instances that those asked gave the most considered responses, delving deeper and deeper into the issue. In many cases they actually answered the most penetrating question they had probably been asked in years, if not decades.
They were as surprised by their answers as I was.
Remarkable considering that not one interview took more than two minutes to complete, AND they were complete strangers to me!
Many wanted to change things about their appearance, some about bad habits they had and some about the way they thought about themselves or others. I was moved and surprised at just how candid these people were, how open. I sincerely hope that some of them went home that day and actually made the change they said they wanted.
So what are the four questions you MUST ask yourself if you want to make any change in your life, whether it’s to do with your relationships, your achievements, your lifestyle, your health, wealth and happiness or your career?
Bare in mind the change MUST be about YOU – not your boss, or your neighbour, or the economy or anything else that you cannot influence.
Let me suggest that you get someone else to ask you these questions – a close friend or family member or even a colleague. Answer the first one before getting them to ask the second. Then answer that before they ask you the third, and so on.
Answer as quickly as possible too as this is where the revelation is, when your mind doesn’t have time to dwell on and possibly filter the answer. It doesn’t take long – as I said, of the 30 or so interviews I did on that cold day in February, not one took longer than two minutes!
Crossing The River
Here are the 4 questions:
1. What is the ONE thing you’d like to change about YOURSELF today? (This is not about your circumstances, this is about YOU.)
2. Why do you want to make that change?
3. How will you make that change?
4. What’s stopping you?
Make a note of them, then forget about them until you have chosen someone to help you with this insightful exercise. If you decide you want to do them on your own then answer the first question NOW. Quick – answer!
To see the video CLICK HERE – it’s 9 min 41 long, I hope you enjoy.
Stuart Young, London, UK
I was chatting with James Arthur Ray, of hit movie ‘The Secret‘ fame the other day. When I say chatting – I mean I commented on his blog post and he replied. 🙂
I’ve been reading his latest ‘Do You Love Life or Fantasy‘ series and I recommend you take a look CLICK HERE
If you’re not familiar with James then Google him, but believe me when I say he’s been through the biggest battle of his life recently.
How we ‘think‘ at difficult times is THE KEY to moving through the experience, and coming out the other side more swiftly and with hope for a brighter future.
His posts led me to formulate a process called The 3 ‘A’s:-
- Accept – What is, not more or less, just What IS. How we’re feeling is valid. Accept that.
- Acknowledge – How it got that way – honestly. IE: Take responsibility for whatever part you may have played, and you almost invariably have.
- Ask – Question what all of that means, and ask how you move forwards.
James has his own variation where he adds another two ‘A’s – Act and Adjust.
If you’ve been through a battle recently, or are in the midst of one now – consider these today. And please take a look at James’ blog posts, they’re insightful.
Stuart Young, London, UK
What if you could … what?
What if you could meet the partner of your dreams? What if you could be as fit as a top athlete? What if you could achieve all of your goals systematically. What if you could have the job you love doing?
We spend so much of our time thinking that we can’t, we forget to consider if we could.
What’s the point you might be asking.
Apart from the fact that thinking about achieving something that would make us feel great actually starts to make us feel great – the very act of thinking in that way actually makes us consider opportunities and options that we are blind to when we’re busy thinking we can’t.
Think about it – if I ask you to think of three reasons why you’ll never win the lottery, it’s impossible for you to come up with ways that you could win.
If I said look around where you are right now and find ALL the red things, you wouldn’t notice all the blue things because that’s not where you are putting your focus. You’d miss all the blue things.
Likewise with continually thinking you can’t – you miss those opportunities in front of you that may just prove that you can.
Try that today – just allow yourself to daydream about all the things you’d like in your life and, just for the purposes of dreaming, imagine that you can have those things. Ask yourself: What if I could…?
See what happens.
Stuart Young, London, UK
The other day I posted on How To Ignore Negative Comments and I think it deserves further discussion.
Firstly, I think it would be a good idea to start with the premise that the negative comments are ungrounded, ie: not deserved.
(Of course if you being a total idiot about something expect some negative comments, listen to them, and stop being an idiot.) 🙂
So, what if they are ungrounded?
These can come from all quarters; what I refer to as the 3 Fs of Influence – Friend, Foe and Family. Some are well meaning, whereas some are just being mean.
Here are 5 questions to consider that can put you in the right Mindset to tackle them head on:
- Are they true and does that even matter?
- Do they reflect who you are?
- Do they spur you on or deflate you?
- How much do you value the opinion of the commenter?
- How determined to continue are you?
Let’s take a look at them one at a time…
1. Are they true and does that even matter? – If someone tells you that you’re not a very good writer should that stop you from writing? Of course not. You can either ignore it and remind yourself that there have been many successful writers that weren’t actually very good technically. Or, you can use the comment to motivate yourself to learn more about writing so that you can improve. Either way – continue writing.
2. Do they reflect who you are? – Taking the first example above, does the fact that you might not be a very competent writer detract from you being a writer? Of course not, no more than being an objectively poor painter does not mean you are not a painter. You are whatever you desire to be and no opinion from anyone else alters that.
3. Do they spur you on or deflate you? – This is nearing the crux of the issue, if the negative comment spurs you on – motivates you, then don’t ignore it. In fact, welcome comments of this nature. If on the other hand the comments deflate you, demotivate you, then applying a process like this one to determine what validity they have, this will help you see that other’s opinions have no baring on your ambitions and dreams. Many people told Edison to quit searching for a commercially viable lightbulb – but he didn’t quit, thankfully.
4. How much do you value the opinion of the commenter? – A good teacher will encourage you down your own chosen path. They might offer advice on potential course corrections along the way – in order to be helpful. A bad teacher will encourage you to pursue something based on their beliefs about what you should do. Decide how much value you put on the commenter’s comments and why. Are they trying to help you or steer you to a destination of their choice. As with good parenting, the role of a parent is to give their children the best environment they possibly can in which to make their own choices. Then let them.
5. How determined to continue are you? – This is the deciding factor on whether you continue with an endeavour or not. If you are easily swayed away from an activity ask yourself if it’s really what you wanted. If it wasn’t, then maybe the negative comment was actually useful advice. If not, if you feel an urge to continue, then do just that.
“The problem isn’t the problem. The problem is the way you are thinking about the problem.” ~ Dan Sullivan
The way we think determines every outcome in our life. If you want to master your own Mindset – learn how here: CLICK HERE
Stuart Young, London, UK
Take the opportunity today to consider your job and find three things you’re happy with.
1. I’m quitting soon, or 2. the toilets are clean, etc. – do NOT count! 🙂
I understand this might be difficult for some. Try it though and see if you can ‘honestly’ find three things that you are happy with about your job.
This could be the start of you appreciating it for what it is. We’ve all heard the grass is greener right? Maybe if you stopped looking at what is ‘wrong’ with your job – just for today, you might find there’s a lot you actually like.
It must start with you, all of your happiness, contentedness, peacefulness etc. comes from the way you think about your circumstances.
If you get to the end of today and you really have struggled to find 3 things you like – you need to read my new eBook: “Do You Hate Your Job?“. It’s not very long, but it is laser focussed on helping you understand what you must do next.
Grab a copy now at NO COST, if not for you then for someone you know that’s struggling to get out of bed every work day.
Related posts: Monday ‘Back to Work’ Blues.