Category Archives: Life changing
The phrase in the image can be reversed too:
First BELIEVE you CAN, then DECIDE you WILL.
Either way your Beliefs and your Decisions will determine what kind of future you’ll have.
A long time ago my 1st wife left me, I remember being in that place of confusion and anger, I remember wanting to blame my ex for everything, I remember feeling betrayed… but then I realised what I wanted more than anything – and everything changed.
I can’t tell you it was an epiphany, or a bolt of lightning in my mind – but at some point I decided my daughter was the most important thing to me and I needed to find a way to build the strongest relationship I could with her – despite the situation.
The solution was as simple as A, B, C – but that didn’t mean it was going to be easy. Some people will tell you what you want most in life is hard because you have to prove to yourself how much you really want it. I’m not sure I believe that.
Once I started down the A, B, C path everything actually got easier in some respects – it still took a lot of self reflection and soul searching for me to come to terms with it all, BUT, dealing with my ex and getting access to my daughter definitely became easier.
There is a way through. You can have a brighter future. I’m living proof of it.
If you are in this situation or know of a Dad who is – take a look at my dedicated Facebook Group: Divorced Dads Rise Up and Be Proud here
(For any guys going through divorce or know someone going through it.)
So, your other half is leaving you or has left you.
You feel like shit.
Yep, you’re going to feel that way for a while, no magic pill, no shortcuts, just pain, misery, anger, resentment, heartache, confusion, oh – and some more pain etc. etc.
At some point, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years – you’re going to say something like: “I’ve had enough of this.” And that is the first step.
You’re on your way. You’ve made a shift. Things are going to change.
At that point, to overuse an old cliché – it’s the first day of the rest of your life.
Phew! Glad that’s over, plain sailing from here on – er…nope.
Now the actual hard work begins.
The hard work of acceptance – accepting the situation for what it is.
The hard work of believing – believing you do still have a compelling future ahead of you if you can do what’s necessary to enable it.
The hard work of choosing – choosing to BE the Man, BE the Dad and BE the Role Model your kids need You to BE.
And the hard work of deciding – deciding to do what’s necessary to make that happen including compromising, forgiving, understanding, committing, listening, bending over backwards etc. etc.
If that sounds like a tall order right now head over to the Facebook page I’m putting together specifically to help you with that… https://bit.ly/2X3o3BI
(If the link doesn’t work go to FB and search ‘Divorced Dads Rise Up and Be Proud’)
It’s not a place to bitch and moan – there’s plenty of other groups for that, but that kind of talk will just keep you where you are. This group is all about positive empowerment – helping Dads find ways to stay connected to their kids by taking back their true personal power.
This process, as painful as it is, doesn’t have to make you hardened to life or to women – you can use it to make you stronger. Remember steel is forged in a furnace, but it can bend and withstand immense pressure without breaking.
Join us and discover who you really are, how powerful this experience is going to make you AND find a way to BEhave in a way that will make your kids Proud to call you their Dad.
Come and join us now… Click https://bit.ly/2X3o3BI (‘Divorced Dads Rise Up and Be Proud’)
(And if you’re wondering why this is aimed at Dads and not Mums it’s simply because I’m speaking from experience as a Dad that was divorced.)
When we watch a movie that revolves around some existential threat to humanity or even the planet we are reassured by the film makers that the Heroes will save the day. We enjoy the drama, the threat but ultimately feel relief when the Heroes succeed in saving us all.
The difference between those films and the threat of climate change is urgency.
In the movies there’s only ever a couple of days to save the world, right? It’s now or never. The Heroes fly in and we can all sit comfortably back and watch.
The trouble is, climate change IS here, now! It’s threatening our very existence and the existence of millions of other species, but because it ‘seems‘ to be happening slowly we don’t feel the same urgency (me included). In the grand scheme of things it isn’t happening slowly – it’s racing ahead at breakneck speed and guess what…we are sitting comfortably back watching.
In this story WE need to be the Heroes. WE are the only ones that can avert disaster. WE have to save ourselves and everything else.
At this point in a movie someone might say: “So, are you with me?” Then, we cheer as everybody steps up to the plate and we think: “Yeah, I’d step up if I was a superhero.”
So, are you with me? Are you a superhero? I hope so. Let’s do every small thing (and big thing) we can in our own way.
Now where’s my cape?
I can’t remember the last time I heard this explained so clearly. Dr Joe Dispenza teaches us how our mind works on remote control most of the time, what that means to us on an experiential level, and how we can change that so that we can have happier, more fulfilled lives.
To celebrate passing my 50,000th view today for this blog here is an inspirational and thought provoking TED Talk by Priya Parker – 19 mins long but worth it:
We each have a slightly different idea of Christmas, what it means, how it makes us feel etc. But there is one thing that is the same for all of us…
A number of factors will lead us to the feeling of Christmas. I mean, if you went to sleep on November 15th and woke up on Christmas Day I’m betting you wouldn’t feel very Christmassy (apart from the obvious discombobulation!). A set series of experiences will lead you to the eventual feeling.
For some it’s the buying of gifts that makes them ‘feel‘ Christmassy. For others it’s the weather, carol singers, Christmas movies, Christmas songs on the radio or even festive food. For me it’s a combination of all these things. They each add to each other to create a nostalgic, excited state of mind.
So why do I mention this, it’s obvious right?
The point is that ‘any‘ state of mind works the same way. Happy, sad, excited, miserable, disappointed, exhilarated, etc. They all require a set of catalysts: sounds, smells, words, memories, visual cues, physical experiences and so on.
The trick then is to be aware of ‘what‘ cues are creating the feelings you are having. If they are pleasurable feelings then you can actually create them at will by seeking out the cues deliberately. If they are uncomfortable feelings that crop up you can learn to avoid the catalysts that cause them.
Go in to 2017 with a determination to be aware of what is creating the feelings you are having – then decide whether you want more or less of them.
Live more deliberately.
6 minutes that could change how happy you feel…
There’s a lot of hoo hah at the moment about Brexit. What it means, what will happen if we stay or leave. Yada yada. The argument on the leave side has diseminated into an anti immigrant issue. They are not like us, we are afraid our culture will change, they will steal my job, they will put too heavy a burden on our resources, etc. etc.
In my opinion most people are good. They will give you the time of day or directions if you are lost. No matter where they come from. Most people will return your call of “Good morning” with a smile, and if they saw you fall over would help you back on your feet. People are good.
But why? The human species is a communal one, we like to congregate in groups. On an evolutionary basis it was a matter of survival, safety in numbers and all that. Being evicted from the group meant almost certain death. So you better be a valuable member of the group, right?
Trouble is, the group size is waaaaayy bigger than our psychology can handle. Evolution allowed us to congregate in groups of 20, 30, 60 and more. When we started creating localised communities those groups grew to 100, 130, 150 and more. Studies have shown that the optimal size of a human group is approx. 150. So what happens when the group grows to one million? 10 million?
Sub groups, or tribes, splinter within the group. Football fans see themselves as part of a sub group. Fans of certain pop groups or genres see themselves as a sub group. Political parties actively encourage sub group mentality – them & us.
There is no avoiding it, if you live in a community with other people you will align yourself with certain groups that hold the same values, opinions or desires as you. In fact you will align yourself to multiple groups. Whether you are vegetarian, conservative, eco warrior, Arsenal fan, middle class, Catholic, British or even GoT addict. We define ourselves by the groups we belong to.
How then do we relate to the other people in the wider group?
That is the next big challenge for all societies everywhere. With an ever growing global population and more people than ever living in cities, the groups are becoming massive – as I write this Tokyo has almost 38 million people!
We have to learn a whole new way of existing in such monumental groups. Our primate brain has an enormous amount of further evolution to catchup with our ability to congregate in such numbers. One thing I know for sure is that we need to solve this problem together. Diplomacy may be the great breakthrough of this century and those to come. True, honest diplomacy. Ways of living together where there is equal opportunity, equal access to resources and a fairer distribution of wealth. Separation makes diplomacy harder. When we stick together diplomacy becomes an absolute, it forces us to find ways to live together.
In the 1st world the rich and powerful have the game stacked in their favour. The rest of society get to live off the crumbs from their table. But when the table is so abundant, even the crumbs give the impression that all is well and good. Sometimes the crumb collectors even get to see the rules of the game and are able to elevate themselves to bone fide seats alongside the elite. The game of tax avoidance, tax breaks, being too big to fail, having the wealth to lobby for new laws or legislation that act in your favour actively enable the divide.
That has to change if we are to create a fairer world where everybody has a decent standard of living. That doesn’t stop those that want more from getting more. Just not at the expense of others. Create value and you are rewarded.
The 21st century needs a new psychology – mega group mentality. Any ideas?
Photo credit: http://kids.britannica.com